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"A Vacation to Remember"
by
Kurt Penner
Posted on: 04/18/1999
Created: March 1995
Rating:
G
(Suitable for
All)
Thurs. Mar.24th, 7:00 am
"Honey, wake up!" she yelled in my ear, startling me completely. I looked at her, then glanced at the glowing red digits of the alarm clock beside the bed and realized that it was only seven in the morning.
"Patty,go back to sleep!" I replied groggily."There's a long day ahead of us and our flight doesn't leave until 2:30!" For your information, this is the first day of our two week European odyssey to England, France, Germany and Switzerland, and I'm already dead tired. This trip was my wife's idea, and upon reflection I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed to it. To start we can't really afford a vacation and secondly my wife Patty has not stopped talking about it since we confirmed our reservations. She's been looking through all sorts of tour brochures and showing me all the sights she wants to see, restaurants she wants to eat at and the like. She demands all the attention she can get from me and when I can't give it to her she gets all fussy and says that we never go anywhere together, and we're not as close as other couples she knows and how she doesn't know if this marriage is working out the way it should. Really, she just says we don't have a stable marriage during her fits, we both love each other very much and wouldn't give that up for anything. That, in a nutshell is the reason for this vacation, to bring us closer together.
"Darling, get down here right this minute or the dog gets your breakfast!" Patty called from the basement. I staggered down the stairs half asleep. When I reached the foot of the stairs I almost fainted. There lay before my eyes at least twenty articles of luggage. I debated moving at least ten upstairs, but abandoned that idea after trying to lift one of them.
"Patty, have you seen the dog?" I asked. "Or is she under one of these pieces of luggage?"
"Oh Peter, don't be silly" she said. The dog's in her kennel eating a piece of cheese".
"I thought we weren't feeding her table food anymore. Anyway, what the heck is in these bags?" Getting no answer I opened a bag and surveyed its contents. "You packed a microwave!!!" I exclaimed.
"Well, what if we're stranded on a beach 500 kilometres from Paris with nothing except a box of Pizza Pops®?" she inquired.
"Maybe i'd get lucky" I muttered.
"Maybe i'd get lucky and find myself a more considerate husband" she retorted, obviously having heard my remark.
"Anyway, we can't exactly take all of this baggage" I said. "Just take the important stuff".
"Peter, all of my baggage is important" she replied. "We can't omit anything that we might need."
"When are we going to need a plunger in Europe?" I asked.
"In case the toilet jams" she answered. " But I'm sure you could do without your electric shaver" she said as she threw it out of the suitcase " or your mouthwash" as she tossed it out on to the floor. The cap broke off and the entire contents of a two litre bottle of Listerine spilt on the floor. The dog then emerged from her kennel and attempted to lick the whole mess up. She continued sifting through my suitcase, throwing items across the ground. The dog was still licking up the spilt mouthwash. "Well don't just stand there with your finger up your nose, get Chelsea away from there before she gets sick!" she shrieked. I think you've probably figured out by now that my wife can be demanding at times (these times are 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, I think you get my point). Anyway, based on the events so far, this was going to be a long vacation, I could just feel it.
Fri. Mar.25th, 3:55 am GMT (9:55 pm EST)
We've been flying for about six and a half hours now on British Airways Flight #156 to London-Heathrow, and I am tired. I was about to go to sleep when I was awoken by a stewardess serving a so-called "continental breakfast" (personally I wouldn't call two slices of grapefruit a breakfast). Anyway I smiled at the stewardess and said "Thank you"
After the stewardess left I noticed Patty looked angry and wasn't saying much. "What's the matter honey?" I asked through a mouthful of grapefruit.
She didn't even look at me. She just stared blankly and said "Do you think I'm blind?"
"Huh?" What's that supposed to mean?
"Do you think I didn't see you chatting up that stewardess?" she inquired. "Oh thank you" she said, imitating me. "Maybe you can get me some complimentary pillows and blankets."
I wasn't going to stand for this. " Honey, I swear that I wasn't trying to chat up the stewardess. You're the only woman I've ever loved. Do you really think I'd throw you away for a lousy flight attendant?"
"How can I trust you?" she inquired. "You've given me that same speech before and you're still looking at other women."
"When?" I yelled.
"Remember at the Christmas Party two years ago? You were chatting up all those girls at the punch bowl, offering them drinks and making" she paused, looking for the word " suggestive comments?"
"Patty, that wasn't two years ago, that was even before we were married! And besides, I was drunk!"
"You call getting hammered a defense for unfaithfulness?"
"Getting hammered is a defense for anything these days! Besides, it's not as if I slept with them!" I replied, exasperated.
"How do I know you didn't? I know you disappeared into the bathroom half the night".
"I was throwing up, not entertaining some chippie!"
She grunted and turned away. Oh well, I really shouldn't be surprised that she's mad at me because of a simple thank-you to a stewardess. She's very overprotective of me having anything to do with members of the opposite sex but despite her, well overprotectiveness I wouldn't leave her for anyone.
Just then the stewardess came and asked me "Would you like orange juice sir?"
I was about to answer when Patty stood up and yelled "Look here you arrogant little husband stealer, keep your filthy little hands off mine!!. And if you don't" she paused as the stewardess backed away " I will personally throw you out the emergency exit without a parachute!!!!" The stewardess grabbed her juice cart and pushed it through the aisle so fast that the entire thing toppled over on a unsuspecting man's lap.
"And while you're at it Miss" Patty called out as the stewardess was wiping up the mess " would you mind getting me a glass of cranberry juice?"
Fri. Mar.25th, 6:05 am GMT
We landed half a hour ago at London Heathrow-Terminal 4 and are walking towards the International Arrivals Check-in at Terminal 2 (there's a shuttle, but Patty insists we need the exercise). It's been a long walk for us, and we don't seem to be getting anywhere. Patty stopped and asked a security guard about how to get to the terminal. She returned with the message "I think he said we have to go to the lower level and turn right".
"You think? You were talking to him for five minutes!"
"I couldn't understand him. He sounds like some of those characters on that cheesy cable channel you're always watching."
So we continued to walk. We must have walked at least 45 minutes when we finally got to an area where passports were being checked. We stood in line for 30 minutes before getting to the front. The clerk took our passports, looked at them and asked "You Canadian?"
"Sure are!" I proclaimed.
"Well you have to go through Customs at Terminal 2" she replied.
"Uh, what terminal is this?" Patty sputtered feeblely.
"Terminal 4" the clerk answered matter-of-factly. Patty and I stared at each other blankly, turned around and began our long walk to the terminal.
Fri. Mar. 25th, 9:30 am GMT
12, 50p later we left our cab and entered the Forte Crest lobby, the hotel we would be staying at (barring a tragedy or IRA bombing) during our stay in London. I strongly suspect that our cab driver gave us the "scenic route" from the airport to the hotel, but I didn't say anything to him about how we were being ripped off. I also think that the meter was running before we got into the cab, but you just don't say those kinds of things to cab drivers, especially cab drivers with a knife resting on the dash. Patty had been talking with the receptionist and came back with two credit-card style keys for Room 230. We were led upstairs to our room. I stuck the key in the slot. Nothing happened. I tried a second time. Still locked!
I cursed at the door. "Maybe you've got it in upside down honey. Try turning it the other way" Patty suggested.
I turned the key over and tried again. No response. "What the #@$% is this, the Middle Ages!" I yelled. " This darned key doesn't work!" A maid working in the hall heard my tirade and asked "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This stupid key doesn't work!" I replied.
"Here, let me see". The maid tried the key and the door still wouldn't open. " I'll get the concierge" she said. " Actually, hold on a minute, let me see those keys". I handed them to her. She looked at them for a minute and the exclaimed "Well no wonder the keys don't work! They're the keys for Room 230. The room you're at", she explained, pointing at the door "is Room 232! Too bad you didn't think of that before, eh?"
I found Room 230 and stuck in the card-key.The door opened to reveal a extremely small room. There was a bathroom with shower off to the side and the main room contained two small beds. There was a mini-bar next to the bed. I opened it and asked "Honey, I'm going to make myself a drink. Do you want anything?" But I was too late. Patty was already sprawled across the bed, fast asleep. I made myself a rather heavy gin and tonic, gulped it down and fell into bed.
Sat. Mar.26th, 10:45 am
Our tour left at about six this morning and most of us have been using the time spent riding our "luxury coach" (there's an oxymoron if I've ever seen one) to catch up on some much-needed sleep. Not I. Every single time I try to get some rest Patty shakes me and says things like "Look Peter, there's cows grazing in the field"! Like I can't see cows at home, that I have to travel halfway across the world to see A BUNCH OF STUPID COWS GRAZING!!!! I mean, does this woman ever tire? Everyone else is resting and I have to stay awake listening to my wife's running commentary about "the beautiful countryside". I mean if she's already getting excited about every castle she sees, I dread driving through Germany! I can just hear it now "Look Peter, a castle! Oh, there's another castle! And another one!
And another one!" for eight hours straight. It's enough to drive a man mad!
My musings were interrupted by the voice of Angie, our Tour Director. "Okay, we've all arrived at the Port of Dover, the busiest ferry port in the world. Our ferry doesn't leave until noon, so feel free to enjoy a snack at the Dover Coffee Shop right over there" she said, pointing to the shop. Our group filed off the bus towards the coffee shop. We entered the shop, and I told Patty that I had to attend to my needs. I found the washroom and locked myself in a cubicle. As I was attending to my functions, I heard the door open. I heard a man say "It's all here, 5 million dollars U.S to be deposited in a Swiss bank account upon completion of your work."
A second man said " Look Beneti, I know you've got the money but if you only want to kill Laciano, then why completely wipe the tour off the map? Why kill innocent people? Besides the tour company will probably investigate the sudden disappearance of an entire tour group."
The first man spoke again. "The tour director's in on this, and so is the company. This tour isn't registered with anything the company is promoting. All these people are going to be marked for the tour that leaves Wendsday, which will simply be a empty bus. We say these people were murdered in their hotel rooms, leaving us in the clear! It's a foolproof plan!
"And you're just the fool to prove it" the second man mumbled.
Beneti continued, most likely missing the second man's comment "And remember, it is imperative that this tour, and especially Laciano have been wiped off the face of this earth by Monday morning!!!!" The men left, leaving me alone on the toilet, scared out of my skull thinking that in less than 48 hours my wife, myself and my entire tour group would be dead. And no one would ever know.
Sat. Mar.26th, 6:30 pm European Continental Time (ECT)
"Peter, why are you looking so worried?" Patty asked me as we waited for Angie to come back with our room keys. The reason I was worried was because Angie had left the bus leaving us alone, and I was worried that any minute now the bus would be blown up and we'd all be dead. I heaved a huge sigh of relief when Angie returned with our keys to the Hôtel Ibis- Paris. We once again took our credit card key to lucky Room 230, double-checked the room number and inserted the card-key in the slot. The door opened. We went inside to see another door. Patty opened that one and we were in what passes (and just barely) for a Paris hotel room.In the middle was a double bed, which looked so small I'm not sure if it could comfortably accommodate one person. There was hardly any room to walk around, and ,horror of horrors, no Mini-Bar. Patty sat down on the bed . I sat next to her and put my arm around her. I was going to tell her about Laciano and the men I heard talking, and I had a plan to save Laciano and the rest of the tour group. But I needed her help.
"Honey, I have something to tell you" I said. I then proceeded to tell her the story about Laciano and the conversation I overheard. She listened intently to the story and then said " I think we should get off this tour right now, fly back home and pretend this never happened".
"But Patty, we can't just let everyone else die. Don't be so selfish".
"Look Peter, I don't want the others to die but our safety is more important than staying here committing suicide, which is what we'd be doing by staying on this tour!" she replied.
"Honey, I've got an idea" I said.
"Well then, let's hear it Einstein!" she replied sarcastically.
"Do you agree that if Laciano's gone, there won't be any point in destroying the tour?" I asked.
"Logically no, but if someone's crazy enough to kill Laciano, I wouldn't put it past them".
"Well we have to assume that if Laciano's taken out of the picture, they'll have no reason to destroy the bus".
"You know what we make when we ass-u-me" she warned.
I ignored her. "If we "kidnap" Laciano, then the main focus will be on trying to find him, giving us time to smuggle him, and ourselves out of the country" I suggested.
"Are you out of your @#$% mind!" Patty yelled. "First, how are we actually going to kidnap him?"
" Tell him the truth about the attempt on his life".
"And if that doesn't work?"
"Tie him up".
"Wouldn't two people dragging around a man who's bound and gagged through a hotel lobby look a little conspicuous?"
"Not if we lower him through the window".
"How do we get him away? Walk?"
"Get a car".
"How are we going to get a car?"
"Steal one".
"Did it ever dawn on you that stealing a car is illegal?"
"Yes. That's why we're only going to the car lot with it".
"We have no money!!!!"
"Laciano has money."
"Oh, so we're just going to go up to Mr.Laciano, tell him we're kidnapping him for his own good, tie him up, steal a car, and then ask him if he can buy the getaway car?"
"In essence, yes".
"I may be crazy, I may be daring but I think there's a slight chance that it'll work".
"If it'll work?" I queried.
"But Peter, that is one pretty darned big if".
Sat. Mar.26th, 7:35 pm ECT
After fabricating a rope by tying numerous articles of clothing together, I waited outside Laciano's room for Patty to signal me to get the car. From outside I could hear Patty and Laciano talking.
"Mama mia are you a hot chick!" I could hear Laciano complement Patty.
"Enough with introductions, you sexy love god. Let's get down to business, shall we?" she soothed him. Funny I don't remember her ever talking like that to me in that breathy voice.
"Who the @&$# are you?" Laciano asked.
"Let's just say I'm your angel from heaven. Oh gosh, I need a drink!"
"I'll get you something, beautiful" he offered. I could hear him fixing the drinks. "Gin okay, baby?" he asked.
"I'll take anything that touches your manly hands" I found myself getting jealous of Laciano, hitting on my wife.
"A toast my love" Patty offered.
"To the hands that moulded your perfect body". I heard the clink of glasses.
"Boy am I tired!" Patty sighed. That was the all-clear, that I should go get the car because Patty had slipped some of her sleeping pills into Laciano's drink.
I ran out of the hotel to find a car. I picked out a car and tried the door.
Much to my relief it was unlocked. I drew out a Swiss army knife and cut away the plastic casing under the steering wheel. I grabbed two wires, touched them together and crossed my fingers when suddenly the engine came to life. I drove around to the window as Patty threw down the rope and clambered down it bringing Laciano with her. We loaded the sleeping Laciano into the back seat and drove off.
* * *
"He's gone Beneti, the little @#$& is gone!" the man yelled into the pay phone receiver.
"What do you mean he's gone? He's on the tour, he can't just have walked away!" Beneti screamed.
"I was just in his room! There's two glasses, one empty, one looks like he had a sip. The bed's unmade, looks like someone's been in there."
"Oh great, he ran off with some whore".
"Doesn't look that way sir. If you ask me, I would say he's been kidnapped."
"By who? The ASPCA?"
"Well he did run over that squirrel..."
"Shut up! I want every man that we have looking for Laciano and the kidnappers. And when they find them I want their balls on toast!!"
"Yes sir, right away sir".
"Stop talking to me and find that little @#&$ !" Beneti yelled as he slammed down the reciever.
Sat. Mar.26th, 11:45 pm ECT, 350 km from Paris on Autoroute #6
Laciano spoke from the back seat. "Who the heck are you and where the heck am I" he shreiked.
"Mr.Laciano" Patty explained " although this may seem rather unconfortable for you we're really trying to save your life and the life of the other passagers on the tour. There's a killer on the bus who's going to kill you and the rest of the passagers. We thought that we could save the tour by taking you and flying you out of the country."
"Are you Mafia?" Laciano asked.
"No" I anwsered.
"Then who the @#$& are you?"
"Peter and Patty Hansen. We're on your tour and we thought that we would be able to help you" I said.
"How then, if you're not Mafia do you know about this plan?"
"I overheard a conversation between two people. Someone's getting 5 million to kill you".
"How much else do you know" he queried.
"Nothing at all Mr.Laciano. We're just going to drive to Marseilles, catch a plane and once we're in the airport you're on your own. I don't care if you're doing anything illegal, we are basically just doing this to save as many lives as possible without getting killed ourselves. You're just going to have to trust us.
"And if I don't?"
"You have no choice Mr. Laciano."
Sun. Mar.27th, 3:30 am, Marseilles
I was very tired as we pulled into the parking lot of L'Aéroport Internationale du Marseilles, about 675 kilometres from Paris with Laciano in tow. He had actually fallen asleep in the back. Patty woke him up to tell him that we were just finding a space to park. After finding a spot, we exited the Renault and entered the airport.
"You know, I'd really like to thank you two for saving my life" Laciano said as we walked through the terminal.
"It was our pleasure" Patty said. We started to walk towards the ticket counter when Laciano suddenly stopped and pulled back my arm. "They're here" he whispered.
"Who?"
"Beneti and the rest of them We have to get out of here before they spot us!"
"Where can we go?" I asked. "The longer we keep running the better the chance they'll catch us. Besides the closest airport is at least 100 miles away!"
"But if we stay here they'll definitely get us. We have to flee. But not to the closest airport, that's where they're expecting us. I know a contact who owns a small airstrip up in the mountains. We'll have to go up there."
"Where up in the mountains?" Patty asked.
"In Geneva, on the Swiss border."
"Geneva?" I exclaimed. "That's at least a 7 hour drive from here!"
"It's our only hope. But we have to move quickly or the mob'll catch us."
We ran out of the airport, put the car in gear and drove out of the parking lot, not knowing if we would win this race against time or if the clock would run out.
* * *
"I'm absolutely positive I saw Laciano, Beneti. He was in the car with another couple".
"What kind of car?"
"1992 Renault, tan coloured."
"Did you get the plate?"
"Didn't get a chance sir".
"Numbskull! What are we going to do, stop every Renault we see?"
"I guess. But Beneti, where could they go?"
"The closest airport is in Nice, but Laciano's too smart to go to the closest one. He could be just driving around waiting for us to leave Marseilles so I'd leave a few men here, send a few to Nice, a few on Autoroute #7 south towards Toulouse and Spain, actually line up men all around #7 north and south, it's the main transportation artery in this area so if they're going anywhere, that's the way they have to go. If we do that, everything will be blocked off leaving Laciano and his two travelling companions nowhere to run!"
Sun. Mar.27th, 9:45 am, 315 km from Marseilles on Autoroute #7
We were speeding off towards Geneva down #7 as it hit me that I hadn't slept for about 30 hours, and was completely exhausted. I was practically asleep when I was startled by Patty yelling in my ear "Peter, they're on to us!" I looked out the rear view mirror and saw a solitary car. Probably coincidence.
"Peter, that same car's been following us for the past two hours!" I looked more closely at the car and saw that it was a red Citrönen with one man in the front.
"Try and shake him honey!" Patty ordered. Now I must confess that I've seen tons of cop movies, read detective novels and the like but I personally have no idea how to shake a car.
"Turn into here!" Patty demanded. I took the exit to Valence with the Citrönen still on my tail. I sped through the streets making sharp turns everywhere when I got to a railway crossing. The lights started to flash and the restraining bars were down but I still had the Renault going top speed. I hit the crossing and plowed directly through the restraining bars, just beating the train. The Citrönen was stuck at the other end of the track. Seeing my chance I turned on to Highway 713 and continued down towards Geneva. I was about 150 kilometres away from Geneva, we were almost free! As I was contemplating freedom I spotted the Citrönen back in the mirror (unfortunately for us the trains in France are the fastest trains in the world). I slammed down the gas pedal and quickly took the exit to Autoroute #43. The Citrönen turned with me. I put the car in reverse full speed. I was going to ram this little @#$& off the ramp and over the bridge we were now on. If I could only make it. I was 50 feet away. 20 feet, 10 feet. I almost had him when suddenly the car came to a halt. What!! I fiddled with the keys but the engine wouldn't start. "What the @#$& is this!" I cursed.
"Honey" Patty said "you're out of gas".
To get this far but to be stopped by GAS!!!!!!! We were a hour away from freedom but now we would all be dead. And why? Because I forgot to fill up the tank.
"Well it was nice meeting you Mr.Laciano" Patty commented, trying to relieve the tension. "You've had a very interesting life, and it's really a pity it has to end."
The man in the Citrönen got out of his car and walked over to ours, holding a gun. Just as he came to the door Laciano opened it and gave the man a swift kick between the legs. The man winced in pain. As Patty and I ducked under the seat we heard two gunshots. We thought that the man had killed Laciano so we cautiously peered over the seat to see Laciano holding a smoking gun and the other man dead on the pavement. "You never told us you had a gun Mr.Laciano" Patty said.
"You never asked" Laciano replied as we boarded the Citrönen and drove off.
Sun. Mar.27th, 11:30 am, Geneva (finally!)
Our Citrönen arrived at the private airstrip atop the Swiss Alps, and the view was just marvellous."See Patty, even after all that we still get to see the Swiss Alps".
"Yes Peter, it's a pity we can't stay longer. Oh well, I guess we'll just have to wait until next year". Next year? Is she crazy? I've had enough vacation to last me until I'm 90!
Laciano returned from his talk with the airstrip manager and spoke to us. "Well, I'm really grateful to the both of you for saving my life and ruining your vacation so I'm going to treat you all to a vacation whenever you want to take it with all the trimmings like fine dining, 5 star hotels and all the rest of it."
"Thank you! I...I don't know what to say" Patty marvelled.
"One final question ; Patty, were you the woman who came into my apartment and said "I'm your angel from heaven" and all that?"
"I plead guilty!" Patty joked.
"Then I must say that your husband must be the luckiest man in the world!" I blushed a little. "Oh, the plane's ready" he said.
We all boarded and Patty and I found a seat and did something that we should have done a long time ago............
We fell asleep.
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